How does one lie change your life?

You wouldn't think saying no when you should say yes would change you.
You wouldn't think it makes any difference.
But this one did.
Why did it?

Because this lie was and important lie.
Because by lying about it I said that I didn't know what was going on.
Which means I couldn't talk about it.
And that my family couldn't talk about it with me.
All because I lied!

By lying I began a life of exclusion.
Any time my parents or family had to talk about my brother or what happened I was asked to leave the room.
Any time I wanted to talk to someone about what happened I couldn't because they didn't know.
And any time I wanted to cry about it or did cry about it, I couldn't tell anyone why.

All because I lied and kept lying.
All because I lied and said no when I should have said yes.

I survived my lie.
But I wouldn't wish anyone my life.
I am a survivor of child molestation, but I lived my life as a victim.
But NO LONG!
No longer will I let this rule my life.

But first I have to tell my story.
And here is the beginning.

One little lie

You wouldn't think on lie would change your life, but this one did.
At eight you don't think that lying would change so much about you and your life , but this one did.


I guess the beginning of the story started with a sleepover.
I had recently made friends with the girl who live across the ally from me.
She was older then me by a year, but I though we'd be the best of friends.
I didn't know how wrong I would be.
We had the sleepover at my place because I could breath at her place.
(I'm not asthmatic I'm just allergic to cigarettes smoke.)
My second eldest brother was home for some reason that I can remember now.
As far as I can remember we had a great time until it was time to go to sleep.


The brain is amazing.
It finds the greatest ways to cope with the worst things.
For me it just shuts it out, completely.
And I'm totally thankful for it.
Because that nigh when things got bad my brain shut down and I went to sleep.


The next morning my friend told me what had happened and I told her she was a lire.
If I was unable to admit, or even remember, what was happening to me how could I say it could possibly happening to her.
And that is how everything spun out of control.

A few days later there was a knock at the door... it was the police.
They took my brother into custody.
That was  the last time I got to see my brother for a years.

A few days after that I was called into the Principal's office at school.
When I got there was three men there that I had never seen before.
There were introduced to me as two police officers and one therapist.
I was in a room with four men.
My principal, two police officers, and a therapist.
One girl and four men.
No way was I able to relax or be comfortable.
I was a on "Red Alert" the entire time.
I was interviewed by the police and was asked all sorts of questions.
Most of them were about my brother.
Then came the one question that changed my life.
When the question was asked I had the worst flash of my life, and to this day I'm still hauted by it.
And it was a yes or no question.
The truth was the answer to the question was yes.
But I didn't say yes... I said no!

I lied.

I lied.

I LIED!

To the police I lied.
And why did I lie.
Because I thought if I lied I could protect my family.
I could keep them my family together.
And that this terrible terrible thing would just fade away and be forgotton.

But it didn't.
And this lie, it ate me alive.
And some days it still eats me alive.

Why this blog

To symbolize the road ahead.

For the one and only person who reads all my blog I wish to explain why I'm starting a new one.
This blog is not for me but for eight year old me.
That my seem weird to say but that's who's writing this blog after this post.
She eight year old me didn't get to share her voice growing up.
She shut her mouth and let some pretty bad stuff happen to her.
Well now she want to talk, cry, yell, vent, and explain herself.
Here she can speak her mind and not feel the judgment of those around her.
Here she can say what she want and not have to apologize to those around her.
Here is where both of us can talk and be heard.
(Also my therapist said I should tell my story, what better way to do that then to blog about it.)
And if I manage to help one person with this blog even once.... I will consider myself a very lucky person.